Mistaken Identity
by Tony Hoagland
I thought I saw my mother
in the lesbian bar
with a salt gray crew cut, a nose stud
and a tattoo of a parrot on her arm.
She was sitting at a corner table,
leaning forward to ignite, on someone’s match,
one of those low-tar things she used to smoke,
and she looked happy to be alive again
after her long marriage
to other people’s needs,
her twenty-year stint as Sisyphus,
struggling to push
a blue Ford station wagon full of screaming kids
up a mountainside of groceries.
My friend Debra had brought me there
to educate me on the issue
of my own unnecessariness,
and I stood against the wall, trying to look
simultaneously nonviolent
and nonchalant, watching couples
slowdance in the female dark,
but feeling speechless, really,
as the first horse to meet the first
horseless carriage on a cobbled street.
That’s when I noticed Mom,
whispering into the delicate
seashell ear of a brunette,
running a fingertip along
the shoreline of a tank top,
as if death had taught her finally
not to question what she wanted
and not to hesitate
in reaching out and taking it.
I want to figure out everything
right now, before I die,
but I admit that in the dark
(where a whole life can be mistaken) cavern of that bar
it took me one, maybe two big minutes
to find my footing
and to aim my antiquated glance
over the shoulder of that woman
pretending not to be my mother,
as if I were looking for someone else.
*From Donkey Gospel
FROM MY KITCHEN THIS WEEK
Mixed Grain Mama Bread
This bread is a medley of grain varieties that I milled last week and wanted to use while still fresh. The majority is Skagit 1109 from Camas Country Mill, plus a touch of Maris Widgeon from Lonesome Whistle, Abruzzi rye, and Streaker barley.
To read more about Mama bread, go here.
Seedy Sourdough Crackers
I never throw away my sourdough starter. I keep it and make crackers! For this mix, my starter has been fed mostly high extraction Star wheat from Grist & Toll for the past week. To it, I added a bit of red wheat bran I had sifted for a previous mix, plus sesame and Dutch blue poppy seeds.
Organic Sandwich Loaf
For this loaf, I used oganic type 70 malted flour from Central Milling, a roller mill operation that processes wheat at a slower pace and at lower temperatures. This is the best of the large-scale mills and I’ve been testing this flour to make a sandwich loaf that satisfies my kids’ peanut butter & jelly cravings but is better than any white bread out there. For those of you who bake, this loaf is 85% hydration and 20% natural levain. By the way, have you tried this peanut butter? I can’t stop!
Emmer Farro Croutons
These are the kind of breadcrumbs that you’d put on a salad. They’re drenched in good olive oil and seasoned with a bit of garlic and oregano. The flavor of the wheat comes through, as well as the long fermentation that this bread underwent before I baked it, dried it, crumbled it and seasoned it. Made with Emmer Farro flour from Hayden Flour Mills.
Graham Flour Chocolate Cupcakes
I just had to see what would happen if I took my all-purpose chocolate cupcake and snuck in a little graham flour. Actually, I swapped it out 100%. It turned out a little denser than usual, which is to be expected. But, oh, the flavor!
Savor your week with delight and gratitude.
Xo,
